God bless the Internet.

I love the fact that I can go online and become an anonymous entity floating around the mind-blowingly vast amount of pornography and the other 10% of the internet.

People often refer to the internet as a "disease", a "plague", or my favorite "a cancer sucking on the tit of humanity". I refer to the internet as the place where I go to see what's going on in the world. I look at the internet as a relatively commercial free television network full of funny and interesting things. How much of our lives are spent typing away on our keyboards to people who we will never meet? How much of our time is thrown out the window by trying to lvl up in WoW? How many times have you spent looking at Britney Spears's crotch on PerezHilton.com?

...c'mon, you know it, I know it, and Britney Spears knows it...

Anyways...

I remember when the internet first went to the public. AOL was its name for all of us cool kids who liked paying 3 dollars an hour for 14.4kbps surfing. I remember the days (before I had the internet in my house) of going to my friend Chris's house and trying to chat up girls on AOL chat rooms. This progressed further when I first got my own account, and I had 3 internet girlfriends at the same time. Hell, I didn't know any better when I was 13 years old. It was new, exciting, enthralling, enticing, and other words that start with "e" as well.

My first sexual experience came from the internet. This was in the form of cyber sex...back when cyber sex was done through typing with one hand. This was cyber intimacy in its most purest form - well before the voice chat, and video chat - this was also really awkward to get off on. I never fully understood what was so fun about plunking away on key after key in the attempt to orgasm to someone that you've never even seen/talked to. I mean, I can understand phone sex, at least that has some form of understandable emotion. But sarcasm and emotion are wasted on a chat box, and when you're hunting and pecking to get the next misspelled phrase "im strokng it wut ru doing?????" you really don't care what that person looks like.

Actually, now that I think about it, my first "actual" sexual experience(s) came from the net as well....yahoo chat to be specific. Let me take you back to Thanksgiving Night, 1998. I was with my cousin Nathan at his place, we had just left our family turkey dinner, and we had one goal...get wasted. After several beers that were brewed in his bathroom, we opted to jump on yahoo chat and see if we could meet some girls. That particular escapade introduced me to a girl named Koni. She was my age (16) and she lived 4 hours north - near the Canadian border. Well Koni liked to talk, so we exchanged numbers and she used to call me every night for at least an hour and a half. Well, I guess my pimp skills were in full effect that first night because she wanted to take our relationship to the next level. She wanted phone sex...well I was a virgin at the time (hell I'm a virgin now), and I had never done anything like that before. So off I went, down a road of mutual masturbation. This relationship between her and I lasted a number months, and then one day we decided to meet. That led to my first time getting to third base.

Now, I won't bore you with the details leading up to the event. But I'll always remember the first time I fingered a girl. We were making out, and I could tell that she was getting into it (well, she told me). So as suave as any 16 year old kid could do, I asked her if she was horny. She responded with a simple "Uh-huh", and I started to move my hand down south. She stopped me about half way between her breasts and her hoo-hoo and whispered in my ear that she was on her period.

Keep in mind that I was not only drunk, but exceptionally horny, I merely shrugged and muttered back..."It's cool baby..." so down I went. And I'll never forget what it felt like. That whole line about it being like "warm apple pie" was a crock of shit. The only way I can visually relate what my drunken young mind saw would be to reference INDEPENDENCE DAY....

...I know right? What the fuck am I thinking?...bare with me.

You know that scene in ID4 when they are in Area-51? And Data from STAR TREK: TNG is doing the autopsy on the alien? Well, it was like that. Hard outer shell and a soft, gooey, warm middle...

However, back to my original thought...I love the internet. It is a vast sea of knowledge for many people, and a place for horny young teens to meet each other and fire off some knuckle children.

-Script-